April 15th, 2010

I try not to get too emotional or sappy on this blog because it exists for a very happy reason, our daughter Harlow of course. But today is a very special day to me and I want to tell it exactly like it happened.

One year ago, on Thursday April 15^th, 2010, was the day we found out that we were going to have a baby. I woke up at my normal time of 6 am and peed on a stick, just like I had been doing for so many months before. I completely expected it to look exactly like all the others had, a big fat negative. I didn’t have that “feeling” that I was pregnant, probably because I had been let down so many times before. But I still was hanging onto a little piece of hope. By this time, we had seen many doctors and knew we had some significant obstacles standing in our way of conceiving. It had been a long road already, filled with lots of prayer and soul searching. We were exhausted from thinking about it all and just simply wanted a baby in our family. Even though I didn’t think I was pregnant, I still had a bunch of pregnancy tests in the drawer and couldn’t resist…

So I took the first test, and I saw a faint second line starting to form on the stick. For those of you who don’t know, two lines means you’re pregnant, one line means you’re not pregnant. I can’t tell you how many other times I *thought* I saw a second line and woke up Dax to confirm my observation. After staring at it in the light for a moment, he would always sadly tell me he didn’t see anything. But, this time felt different…my heart started to race. I didn’t bother to wake up Dax to look at it, I tossed the test on the counter before it was even done processing and pulled out a digital test that I had been saving for a special occasion. You see, the digital pregnancy test leaves no room for error. It either says “pregnant” or “not pregnant”. The way the test is designed is an hourglass blinks over and over on the tiny little screen while it processes the test, similar to what your cursor looks when the computer is “thinking”. Well, I stared at this hourglass for what seemed like an hour while it “thought”. I prayed harder and more diligently than I had ever prayed before in my life. I just held that stick and stared at that hourglass blinking. Over and over and over it blinked, you couldn’t have torn my eyes away from it. And then the word “pregnant” appeared. I didn’t believe that it was real. I just couldn’t stop staring at it. I started to shake so badly I couldn’t even hold my arms still, let alone my legs. I knew that my skeptical husband still wouldn’t be convinced so even though I knew at this point I was pregnant, I took 2 more tests for his sake. Armed with 4 positive tests, I finally went to wake him up. Over that last year, I had thought of all kinds of fun ways I would tell him he was going to be a Daddy. Wrapping a baby rattle for him to open. Telling him to check the oven because I had a bun inside. Getting Leyla a big sister shirt. You get the idea. Well. None of that happened. I woke him up still shaking like crazy and showed him the digital test. I still remember he said to me “Hold your hand still, I can’t read it!” because I was shaking so badly. He just looked at me and back at the stick and was as shocked as me. I showed him all the other tests and we just looked at each other and at all the tests. I remember one phrase we both were repeating was “This is insane”.

Then it was time for us to call our parents. It was really early in Nebraska and Texas and Dax wanted to wait to call them. Umm. No way. I called my mom and dad and my very worried mother answered the phone. I’m sure she was thinking, “Why is my daughter calling me at 5 am?”. I told her to get my dad on the phone and asked them if they wanted to be grandparents again for Christmas. They were very confused. You see, they knew we had been trying for a while and were NOT expecting this at all. I could tell my mom was trying to do the math in her head. Pretty much the same conversation and confusion occurred when we called Dax’s mom and dad. By this time, I was late for work and had to call in that I was running behind. When I finally arrived, my co-workers were perplexed to why I was late since that was very unlike me. I called them all together to share our news. They had stood by me for the last year, cried with me, supported me, loved me and prayed for us. I don’t know what I would have done without them during that most difficult year of my life. Just having people to talk with was such an amazing outlet for me. So, it was so awesome to look at their shocked faces as I proudly waved my test in front of their eyes! We celebrated all day.

I called and made an appointment with my doctor and had to wait something like 3 weeks before they wanted to see me. We all know why the doctors wanted us to wait for that first appointment, and those thoughts started to consume Dax and I. But, we prayed together and finally decided that God had given us this blessing and we were pregnant NOW and TODAY and each day that we had after would just be another blessing. So we were going to celebrate! We had so many other people (many of you who read this blog) also praying for us and our little baby bean. It meant the world to us to have you all out there rooting for LB!

Looking back now, it all seems so long ago. But it really was only a year. So much has changed in our lives, I can hardly remember what it was like with only Dax, Leyla and I. Although it was the most difficult journey we had ever faced as a couple, we both grew so much because of it. Maybe someday Harlow will read this story and know how she was loved from the first moment we knew she existed. She is our world and I am so proud to share her with all of you.

Mommy and Daddy love you so much Harlow!

Here is the link to the video I made for Harlow. I am sharing it with all you too!! It's kind of long (almost 13 minutes) so make sure you have a little time on your hands if you want to watch it...I have been adding to it since the beginning of my pregnancy and now it's finally finished. And one more thing. I totally miss being pregnant now that I see this video! I thought I would NEVER EVER in a MILLION years EVER say that. And look, 4 short months later, I have already uttered the words. It really is true that you forget all the misery and reflect only on the prize. It's especially easy when the prize is such a beauty!